Faturated Sats goes International with its FIRST featured guest post! Not to be missed!!

It's happened, folks.  We've got our FIRST Faturated Sats INTERNATIONAL food report!!

Greetings from:

Thanks to the diligent effort of an avid FS reader and "fan" named Myles Dickason, we've been provided with some info about delicious treats found only OUTSIDE the continental U.S.  For all the "frequent readers" out there (hahahahahahaha!), you're already aware of my frustration regarding the vast amount of adventurous foods that are (for some reason) unavailable for consumption here in the United States. I'm not going to get on a soap box about how unfair it is that government regulations need to be in place simply to protect people from themselves, but it's worth noting that for all the freedoms that we have it certainly appears that other countries may have a little bit more when it comes to their allowable creativity with their food (fast or otherwise).

Thankfully, there are people who are willing to volunteer their time and taste buds to us so that we can benefit from their experiences and learn more about what's out there in the world.  Moreover, should you find yourself within the borders of a country like El Salvador, you'll know what to run towards, and what to run away from.  Thanks, Myles Dickason, for contributing to this latest edition of Faturated Sats.  Your contribution is appreciated by us all (the small rabble of folks who are interested in this nonsense).

Editors note:  while you will find a spattering of commentary from me through the post, the following text has been provided directly by the guest contributor.  

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Fat Mike. Should the analysis of Fat Mike be deemed a necessity by the viewership, contributions can be made through Venmo or Pay Pal to send Fat Mike directly to the locations sited below. Assumptions made within the analysis are not reflective of the position of any Faturated Sats entity or party. ENJOY.

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El Salvador Faturated Sats.

Taste scale:

0 = I’d rather eat dry cat food.

5 = a decent banana
10 = better than pretty good sex

"Mister Donut"

#1 Mister Donut. “Sandwich Campesino” (Editor's Note: In Spanish, "campesino" means "a peasant farmer".  Loose translation = "Farmer's Sandwich".

Notes: Five customers waiting at counter, five employees behind the counter. Took thirteen minutes to take my order the first time.  Five minutes later same employee asked me what I would like to order. Two minutes later a second employee asked me what I would like to order.  “Parenthood” with Diane Keaton and Steve Martin playing on mute on restaurant television; scene where Juliette Lewis is on golf course in sprinklers in wedding dress. (Editor's Note: Steve Martin starred in Parenthood with Mary Steenburgen in 1989.  The movie being referred to is Father of the Bride which did NOT star Juliette Lewis. Please excuse Myles' lack of movie knowledge as it is not relevant to the food.)

Total door-to-food time: 23 minutes.

Sandwich: ham, cheese, 2 eggs grilled on thick toast. Taste: mostly butter, a hint of chemicals. Top piece of bread golden brown, not grilled on both sides so bottom piece was soggy white bread. I burped while eating sandwich and tasted orange juice, but I hadn’t had any orange juice that morning. Took three bites. Coffee was decent, not good or bad. I wanted to steal the coffee cup, but didn’t want to get arrested in El Salvador.

Price: $2.75

Final score: 4 = Soggy biscuit from fridge from yesterday’s biscuit and gravy doggy bag that you thought it would be a good idea to keep.

#2 Burger King. “Nacho Whopper”

Notes: Very excited about this one. Signs everywhere throughout El Salvador. Not available in the US. Some questions on my mind in preparation for this sandwich: “Will the nachos be crunchy or soggy? Is the green and red stuff in the advertising photos jalapenos and hot sauce? or ketchup and unknown green sauce? Why didn’t Burger King collaborate with Doritos for this burger?

Sandwich: Standard BK Whopper with jalapenos, BBQ sauce, and nachos. Also lettuce, tomato, onion. Nachos have green and red flecks on them—I think they’re the BBQ flavored nachos.  Flavors emerged in sequence: Jalapenos were first and primary flavor, followed by the BBQ taste. Hard to tell if BBQ flavor is from sauce or flavor flecks on nachos. Finally, taste of thick cardboard, but when you learned about recycling in science class and made “paper” out of soggy egg cartons. This is the third and final taste that anchors the taste profile and overall experience. 

Unshakeable flavor, in spite of mouth washing with orange soda. I felt strongly that I needed to stop eating this sandwich early, but felt compelled to continue; I stopped after ¾ of the burger was gone. 

Drink: orange soda, pretty standard. Fries: I ate two fries to complete the experience. Undercooked, not crisp / too soggy. Under salted. Weak finish to meal. Door to food time: 8 minutes.

Price: $6.29

Overall score: 6 = Summer barbeque overcooked brat with store brand yellow mustard.

(Editor's Note: A 6 isn't a bad overall score, but CHECK OUT THE PLAYPLACE! That would bump it up a notch for some)

#3 Los Pinguinos 

(Editor's Note - Translated, Los Pinguinos means "The Penguins" and I can't put together what these cupcakes have to do with Penguins at ALL. Please feel free to comment if readers have thoughts or theories)

Notes: These things look like Hostess cupcakes. I think they’ll taste the same too. I noted that there are 304 calories per package / two cupcakes. That’s more than two 12oz cans of Coke, which is impressive. They’re made in Guatemala.

Cupcake: Chocolate flavor is “dry” not “rich.” Tastes more like eating the powder coating on Count ChocoPuffs than a Hershey bar. (Editor's Note: There never has existed, nor shall there ever be a cereal named "Count ChocoPuffs" Although, I can only imagine what a union between Sonny the Cuckoo and Count Chocula would be like.  You're welcome, Internet. Get crackin' on that web series).
Cream-to-cake ratio is adequate; cream consistency is too liquid, not fluffy. “Icing” on top is a waste of high-fructose corn syrup, considering they also use it to make chocolate flavored edible panties. With the caloric content to power a 220 pound man to run 2 miles you’d think these things would taste better than licking the inside lid on a can of Quik chocolate milk powder. (Editor's Note: Nestle Quik powderhas been known as Nesquick since 1999 for those who are not familiar with the previous brand identity)  I felt a little sad after eating these, kinda like when I found out that Bruno Mars’ real name is Peter Gene Hernandez.

Price $0.75

Final Score: 3 = mealy apple; if I was stoned, would prolly get a 6 = sorta warm spaghetti that needs more sauce.

#4 Pupusas

 Notes: These things are the national dish of El Salvador. You can get them in really nice restaurants, but the best place to get them is from the street vendors. I got these from a restaurant in the airport. For some reason, these are typically breakfast or dinner foods, but are never eaten for lunch. I ordered them for lunch with a bottle of the national beer: “Pilsner.” While waiting for my food and watching the guy driving the fuel truck light a cigarette I thought that it’s pretty hard to screw up carbs, meat, and cheese, and indeed, every country has it’s version of the same thing. Mexico has the enchilada, Venezuela has the arepa, and here in the States we have Disco Fries with sausage gravy. Door to beer time: less than two minutes—excellent. Door to food time: fifteen minutes.

Pupusa: Cheesy goodness inside. Corn pancakes are heated on griddle with perfect tinge of burnt carbon edge with cooked and moist inside. Pickled vegetables are excellent but lack spicy heat. The only hot sauce in the restaurant is some mass produced vinegar trash. Pilsner is the perfect beer if you don’t want to taste your beer. It wasn’t watery, or delicious, or sour, or hoppy. I didn’t notice that I was drinking it.

Price: (including bottle of beer) $10.73 (or $1.25 for the same thing on the street going to the airport, but without the beer).

Final Score: 8 = Finding $15-20 bucks in the laundry.

**Special Thanks to RMD for this contribution.  You're a good man, and thorough.

Bonus:

These are some initial notes sent as "preliminary findings" before the official write up.  I thought it would be a nice piece of "bonus material" for those who got all the way to the end.  If you can read this, then you truly are gifted.