Faturated Sats goes International with its FIRST featured guest post! Not to be missed!!

It's happened, folks.  We've got our FIRST Faturated Sats INTERNATIONAL food report!!

Greetings from:

Thanks to the diligent effort of an avid FS reader and "fan" named Myles Dickason, we've been provided with some info about delicious treats found only OUTSIDE the continental U.S.  For all the "frequent readers" out there (hahahahahahaha!), you're already aware of my frustration regarding the vast amount of adventurous foods that are (for some reason) unavailable for consumption here in the United States. I'm not going to get on a soap box about how unfair it is that government regulations need to be in place simply to protect people from themselves, but it's worth noting that for all the freedoms that we have it certainly appears that other countries may have a little bit more when it comes to their allowable creativity with their food (fast or otherwise).

Thankfully, there are people who are willing to volunteer their time and taste buds to us so that we can benefit from their experiences and learn more about what's out there in the world.  Moreover, should you find yourself within the borders of a country like El Salvador, you'll know what to run towards, and what to run away from.  Thanks, Myles Dickason, for contributing to this latest edition of Faturated Sats.  Your contribution is appreciated by us all (the small rabble of folks who are interested in this nonsense).

Editors note:  while you will find a spattering of commentary from me through the post, the following text has been provided directly by the guest contributor.  

Disclaimer: The views and opinions expressed in this article are those of the author and do not necessarily reflect the official policy or position of Fat Mike. Should the analysis of Fat Mike be deemed a necessity by the viewership, contributions can be made through Venmo or Pay Pal to send Fat Mike directly to the locations sited below. Assumptions made within the analysis are not reflective of the position of any Faturated Sats entity or party. ENJOY.

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El Salvador Faturated Sats.

Taste scale:

0 = I’d rather eat dry cat food.

5 = a decent banana
10 = better than pretty good sex

"Mister Donut"

#1 Mister Donut. “Sandwich Campesino” (Editor's Note: In Spanish, "campesino" means "a peasant farmer".  Loose translation = "Farmer's Sandwich".

Notes: Five customers waiting at counter, five employees behind the counter. Took thirteen minutes to take my order the first time.  Five minutes later same employee asked me what I would like to order. Two minutes later a second employee asked me what I would like to order.  “Parenthood” with Diane Keaton and Steve Martin playing on mute on restaurant television; scene where Juliette Lewis is on golf course in sprinklers in wedding dress. (Editor's Note: Steve Martin starred in Parenthood with Mary Steenburgen in 1989.  The movie being referred to is Father of the Bride which did NOT star Juliette Lewis. Please excuse Myles' lack of movie knowledge as it is not relevant to the food.)

Total door-to-food time: 23 minutes.

Sandwich: ham, cheese, 2 eggs grilled on thick toast. Taste: mostly butter, a hint of chemicals. Top piece of bread golden brown, not grilled on both sides so bottom piece was soggy white bread. I burped while eating sandwich and tasted orange juice, but I hadn’t had any orange juice that morning. Took three bites. Coffee was decent, not good or bad. I wanted to steal the coffee cup, but didn’t want to get arrested in El Salvador.

Price: $2.75

Final score: 4 = Soggy biscuit from fridge from yesterday’s biscuit and gravy doggy bag that you thought it would be a good idea to keep.

#2 Burger King. “Nacho Whopper”

Notes: Very excited about this one. Signs everywhere throughout El Salvador. Not available in the US. Some questions on my mind in preparation for this sandwich: “Will the nachos be crunchy or soggy? Is the green and red stuff in the advertising photos jalapenos and hot sauce? or ketchup and unknown green sauce? Why didn’t Burger King collaborate with Doritos for this burger?

Sandwich: Standard BK Whopper with jalapenos, BBQ sauce, and nachos. Also lettuce, tomato, onion. Nachos have green and red flecks on them—I think they’re the BBQ flavored nachos.  Flavors emerged in sequence: Jalapenos were first and primary flavor, followed by the BBQ taste. Hard to tell if BBQ flavor is from sauce or flavor flecks on nachos. Finally, taste of thick cardboard, but when you learned about recycling in science class and made “paper” out of soggy egg cartons. This is the third and final taste that anchors the taste profile and overall experience. 

Unshakeable flavor, in spite of mouth washing with orange soda. I felt strongly that I needed to stop eating this sandwich early, but felt compelled to continue; I stopped after ¾ of the burger was gone. 

Drink: orange soda, pretty standard. Fries: I ate two fries to complete the experience. Undercooked, not crisp / too soggy. Under salted. Weak finish to meal. Door to food time: 8 minutes.

Price: $6.29

Overall score: 6 = Summer barbeque overcooked brat with store brand yellow mustard.

(Editor's Note: A 6 isn't a bad overall score, but CHECK OUT THE PLAYPLACE! That would bump it up a notch for some)

#3 Los Pinguinos 

(Editor's Note - Translated, Los Pinguinos means "The Penguins" and I can't put together what these cupcakes have to do with Penguins at ALL. Please feel free to comment if readers have thoughts or theories)

Notes: These things look like Hostess cupcakes. I think they’ll taste the same too. I noted that there are 304 calories per package / two cupcakes. That’s more than two 12oz cans of Coke, which is impressive. They’re made in Guatemala.

Cupcake: Chocolate flavor is “dry” not “rich.” Tastes more like eating the powder coating on Count ChocoPuffs than a Hershey bar. (Editor's Note: There never has existed, nor shall there ever be a cereal named "Count ChocoPuffs" Although, I can only imagine what a union between Sonny the Cuckoo and Count Chocula would be like.  You're welcome, Internet. Get crackin' on that web series).
Cream-to-cake ratio is adequate; cream consistency is too liquid, not fluffy. “Icing” on top is a waste of high-fructose corn syrup, considering they also use it to make chocolate flavored edible panties. With the caloric content to power a 220 pound man to run 2 miles you’d think these things would taste better than licking the inside lid on a can of Quik chocolate milk powder. (Editor's Note: Nestle Quik powderhas been known as Nesquick since 1999 for those who are not familiar with the previous brand identity)  I felt a little sad after eating these, kinda like when I found out that Bruno Mars’ real name is Peter Gene Hernandez.

Price $0.75

Final Score: 3 = mealy apple; if I was stoned, would prolly get a 6 = sorta warm spaghetti that needs more sauce.

#4 Pupusas

 Notes: These things are the national dish of El Salvador. You can get them in really nice restaurants, but the best place to get them is from the street vendors. I got these from a restaurant in the airport. For some reason, these are typically breakfast or dinner foods, but are never eaten for lunch. I ordered them for lunch with a bottle of the national beer: “Pilsner.” While waiting for my food and watching the guy driving the fuel truck light a cigarette I thought that it’s pretty hard to screw up carbs, meat, and cheese, and indeed, every country has it’s version of the same thing. Mexico has the enchilada, Venezuela has the arepa, and here in the States we have Disco Fries with sausage gravy. Door to beer time: less than two minutes—excellent. Door to food time: fifteen minutes.

Pupusa: Cheesy goodness inside. Corn pancakes are heated on griddle with perfect tinge of burnt carbon edge with cooked and moist inside. Pickled vegetables are excellent but lack spicy heat. The only hot sauce in the restaurant is some mass produced vinegar trash. Pilsner is the perfect beer if you don’t want to taste your beer. It wasn’t watery, or delicious, or sour, or hoppy. I didn’t notice that I was drinking it.

Price: (including bottle of beer) $10.73 (or $1.25 for the same thing on the street going to the airport, but without the beer).

Final Score: 8 = Finding $15-20 bucks in the laundry.

**Special Thanks to RMD for this contribution.  You're a good man, and thorough.

Bonus:

These are some initial notes sent as "preliminary findings" before the official write up.  I thought it would be a nice piece of "bonus material" for those who got all the way to the end.  If you can read this, then you truly are gifted.

More Reasons to Ring the Bell - Pt. 2

And so, I bring you part two...

If you're a regular reader (Hahahahahahahahahaha!), then you already knew about the Taco Bell Cinnabon Delights donut that is served as a part of the glorious Taco Bell breakfast.  

Well, as of July 2nd every TB location started serving these delightful, little creations.  Initially, it was my impression that these were going to be served as an alternative to the aforementioned Cinnabon versions and only be available during breakfast hours.  To my elation, as my Father In Law and I walked into "The Bell" after 4th of July weekend we found out that these delights were on the menu ALL DAY!

After downing a considerable meal consisting of the Grilled Stuft Nacho, Bacon Club Chalupa, Doritos Los Tacos, and a Burrito Supreme, I opted to dive into this bag of happiness to see just what all the fuss (in my own mind) was about.

This was an exceptional experience that I never expected.  Apparently, when Taco Bell says, "made from Cap'n Crunch's Cereal" they are NOT kidding.  What I expected was to have a traditional donut, rolled in crushed Cap'n Crunch, with a vanilla frosting (of sorts) on the inside.  Instead, what I got was dough that smelled of the familiar Crunch Berries that the Cap'n is so fond of, and a taste which verified that every INCH of the donut is created from the very fabric of the cereal that I know and hold so dear.  The donut has a saturating richness and an overwhelming cereal flavor that even surprised the Fat.  It was a happy surprise, mind you, but a surprise nonetheless.  Here's what was the most astonishing part of the whole experience:  There was no "milky" center with frosting in the middle.  It was so STRANGE!

It's almost like the formula concocted by "The Bell" had inadvertently absorbed the creamy frosting center.  As you bite into it, it feels soft and moist (that's what she said.. wha?), but the frosting is just NOT there. This was amazing. The sweetness; the "ghost" of the frosting was there, but no evidence of its actual presence whatsoever.

 This is either a feat of amazing ingenuity, or a flaw in the execution because EVEN for Fat Mike this was (to use a term that I've learned from Chef Geoffrey Zakarian from watching "Chopped) cloyingly sweet.  The Cap'n Crunch delights are offered in 2, 4, and 12 packs but unless I was on some kind of determined bender (which I've consciously achieved in the past) I couldn't IMAGINE eating more than 4 of these.  I very much recommend trying the 4 pack to enjoy the rich, rich, rich, richness of the Cap'n Crunch Delights, but it's a little too much for an indulgence further than that.  I'm all about enjoying things that are delicious, but this is like nothing I've seen before.  Even the remnants left behind on the fingers are substantial.  And this is in addition to the sweetness of the donut itself, which as it turns out can be slightly overwhelming.

C'mon... I'm not a softy when it comes to new, elaborate creations.  I'm all for trying this. It's an experience that you'll never replicate.  However, this is some CRAZY sh*t.   Like nothing ever tasted before. My Father-in-Law said it was the most disgusting thing he'd ever tasted (and he enjoyed the overall "Bell" experience), but I'm torn because I appreciate having this out there, but I fear for the people that get 12-packs and call that a "normal" situation.

If you don't have a loyalty to the Cap'n, or a desire to simply try something new, then wait.  Not a life changer, but a worthwhile experience FOR SURE.  I see the ingenuity, I appreciate the change of pace, but I can't imagine there's circumstance (outside of the random nostalgia that I'll crave after this post) where I'd seek out these delights on my way to The Bell.  These may run the risk of being too exclusive to a certain group to be profitable, but I'll EAT MY WORDS if I have to (cause they'd be delicious).... pun.

Enjoy.  Talk to you soon!

More Reasons to Ring the Bell - Pt.1

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I give you Taco Bell's limited edition:

After the 4th of July, I had the pleasure of sharing a Taco Bell experience with my Father In Law, who had NEVER rang the bell before!! Can you believe it?  I was so proud and excited to share his first experience and serve as a guide to the deliciousness that is the TB.

However, the MOMENT that we walked in I realized that there was potential for me to "bite off more than I could chew" (no pun intended... well, sort of I guess).  My excitement level skyrocketed when I remembered that there were some new menu items that I was going to be able to experience for the first time.  There were 2 prominent standouts that I wanted to share with you all, and that's why were rocking this Taco Bell visit as part of a 2 part series.

First came the limited edition Grilled Stuft Nacho.

You've probably seen the "Sharing Sucks" campaign that they rolled out for this.  Fat Mike has always believed that Taco Bell is as smart with their advertising as they are with their food creations. I was so pumped to try this because it touted all of the key elements that make for a GREAT Taco Bell creation: Seasoned beef, deliciously warm nacho cheese sauce, crunchy red tortilla strips, and a cool sour cream to finish.  The addition of the tortilla strips is crucial because it gives the whole thing a gloriously subtle crunch despite the very "Quesadilla-like" feel to the whole creation. 

Each bite was pleasantly refreshing.  It was well put together and held tight through the entire eat.  It wasn't one of those "explosive" things that require you to keep eating just so you don't dump the whole thing all over the place.  I really liked the beef, but it also comes in chicken and I'd be tempted to try that the next time around.  I will say, that the ground beef mixed really nicely with the other ingredients, and I worry that the chicken wouldn't absorb the surrounding elements as equally. Further investigation will need to be done.

Here's the hard truth:  Is it delicious? Yes.  Is it FANTASTICALLY convenient? YES!  Does it replicate the nacho eating experience in a compact and portable form as they tout in their ads? No.
As you can imagine, I'm a bit of a nacho enthusiast.  I don't say that to imply that I am the ultimate judge good nachos from bad, but rather to emphasize that I'm open to enjoying different nacho executions in different forms.  I like a pile of homemade tortilla chips with everything piled on top.  I like the "pub nacho" with round tortilla chips and artificial cheese sauce substitute rather than the fresh grated stuff.  I even like the new "gourmet" nacho where each chip is delicately laid on the plate and topped with well crafted, individual ingredients like refried beans and a fresh jalapeno.  This, however, is more of a "stripped down" nacho that just takes the key elements of making a plate of nachos and folding them all together.  Sure, it has a zesty bite with the sauces, beef and chips, but the only thing that rounded out the flavor to really equate a plate of nachos was the sour cream.  That clean, smooth element rounded out the Grilled Stuft rather nicely, but it didn't carry enough wait to say, "Hey, that tastes like nachos!".  Certain things like black/refriend beans, or pico de gallo, lettuce, or some kind of pepper needed to add some essence to really replicate the experience.

Nonetheless, this item is SCRUMPTIOUS and perfect for a "grab and go" Taco Bell stop.  If I were walking through the streets of NYC and happened past one of the randomly placed Taco Bell locations while on my way somewhere else, I would absolutely swing in and grab this for the walk. In fairness, it's not that bad for you and taking it as a walking snack might cancel out half the meal. At least that's what I'm going to keep telling myself.

So worth it.