A Simple Text Message

Here's how this one went down: (back story time)

The morning of the Friday after Thanksgiving I was spending some time at the gym.  Traditionally, I don't keep my phone on me because my iPod serves its purpose and allows me to drift off to a tolerable place where the fact that I'm exercising doesn't infuriate me so much.  I definitely require musical therapy in order to sustain what I would consider to be a "respectable" amount of time at the gym.  Additionally, the background noise that my iPod provides allows me the privacy of my thoughts (even in a public exercise forum) to work through the menu of what I plan on eating after I finish my unnecessary routine.

On this day, I retrieved my phone from its temporary home in the gym cubby, and found a text message from my wife.  It read, "Could you stop at the store quickly on your way home to pick up some basil, and a good vanilla ice cream?"  For most people, this would be a seemingly innocuous question, but for me it immediately struck a chord as a hot-button issue.  What did she mean "good" Vanilla ice cream?  Good by my standards?  Good by hers?  I was PERFECTLY aware of her preference AND her awareness of my own.  Nevertheless, I got tangled in thought over whether the expectation was for me to submit and bring the ice cream that SHE likes, or be passive aggressive and purposefully grab the vanilla ice cream that I prefer.  Once I realized that it was inevitably going to be a lose/lose situation for me, I was flabbergasted by the idea that I'd have to make an "on the fly" decision of an untested brand in order to remain neutral.  Why must I carry this enormous weight, and make a choice that could impact the entire evening not only for myself, but the family as well?  The choice was clear.  This had to be settled once and for all.

6 brands, and roughly $30 later, I arrived at home prepared with a decisive strategy in mind.  I was staying with my in-laws over the holiday weekend, and they were eager to get involved and share in this adventure.  The brands chosen are as follows:

        

Breyer's Natural Vanilla

Turkey Hill Vanilla Bean

Friendly's "Restaurant style" Vanilla

Ben & Jerry's Vanilla

The Dazs

The 6th flavor was by a brand called "Adirondack" and that hit close to home because my in-laws spend summers up in that neck of NY.  However, I wasn't savvy enough to grad a pic while I was up in NJ.  So, you'll have to live without until I find my way back up there to see if I can grab one.  Another surprising revelation that came from this was that Ben&Jerry's has a traditional Vanilla.  I'm not saying that it doesn't make sense, but in a world of B&J where ingredients abound, and the next best ice cream is the one with 100 more flavors thrown in, I was surprised to find that in the middle of that cluttered diorama of gimmicks there was a glowing, white traditional Vanilla to be tasted.

I'll address the pressing issue that is most likely plaguing the minds of anyone who is reading this right now.  Please keep in mind that I am KEENLY aware that there are brands that were not covered.  However, I must offer this disclaimer that NOT every grocery store is the same and brands can vary by region.  Additionally, I found it to be an essential criteria that these be traditional preparations of Vanilla ice cream, and not allow "finessing" of the process with "slow churn" or "super premium".  That being said, I think we captured the overall market staples to execute a proper evaluation.

Finally, it was on.  I made it very clear that in order to comfortably decide for my own household (my wife, myself, and our infant son) this had to be a blind taste test, and brutal honesty was a must.  However, as I am a loving a dutiful husband the execution of the "family" taste test took place while I was bathing and preparing our son for bed that evening.  Keep in mind, I was not blatantly left out because the expectation was that I would just play catch-up.  But I was disappointed to learn that there was some awareness of what was being tasted by the eaters that may or may not have influenced their final decisions.  Nevertheless, the tasting yielded surprising results... regardless of procedural mandates.

I asked my brother in law (and best, most trusted friend) to setup all my ice creams so that I wasn't any wiser about the brand.  After taking my time running through the list, and then lightly sipping on the melted entrails, I knew my Breyer's right out of the gate.  However, I was surprised to find that despite my knowledge of which was Breyer's it was not my favorite!  After a quick inquiry I found that the ice cream I actually preferred was the Ben & Jerry's!! But why not?  Those guys KNOW ice cream.  They've never let me down.  In fact, it made perfect sense.  However, I view that as the $5 milkshake from Pulp Fiction (if you know the reference).  It's good, but it's got a higher price tag on it.  The group consensus leaned the same way as well.  However, everyone who always loved Haagen Dazs... loved the Haagen Dazs.  And everyone (like me) who loved the Breyer's... loved the Breyer's.  There were no revelations except for the fact that when I'm now asked to stop and buy "GOOD" Vanilla ice cream, I'll call on my boys for Waterbury Vermont and say, "Thanks fellas, for making this so easy on the Fat".

Mac V King (you know you're curious)

Sure, it happened.  But does it really mean anything?

Bear with me, folks.  Remember, there is some catching up to do.  After all, Fat Mike has been comprehensively analyzing the snack (and fast) food market for some time before he decided to burn up on reentry into the blogosphere.  So, I'm getting you all caught up on some of the more epic discoveries that were made, before we start diving into new material.  Thanks for the patience.  Back to the topic at hand...

Before the close of 2013, I started seeing an ad campaign that was launched by Burger King touting the release of their new sandwich... The "Big King".  This astounded me a little bit because after 46-years, why would Burger King decide to compete with the Mac? After all, it was the Big Mac? I later found out that this wasn't the first time the sandwich had been introduced, but that's neither here nor there. Granted, when I have a craving for fast food, I rarely turn to Ronald for comfort (I can call him that because we're boys, but you call him Mr. McDonald). Nevertheless, I respect the Mac, what it stands for, why it exists, and why it's a cornerstone of the fast food market.  For example, I danced with the devil that is the Big Mac on February 22nd of 2013 when I got it in my head that I could eat 5 Big Macs in one sitting (see timeline below)

Arrival at home (post a rockin' good time out with dudes) - 11:23:15

2 Down - 11:28:05

3 Down and still feeling good, but vividly aware of circumstances and threshold - 11:33:13

Ten Minutes to get to get that last one down, breathing heavy.  Extremely happy, but the cord is pulled - 11:43:45

I felt good about this attempt to replace the blood that flowed in my veins with delicious Big Mac "special sauce."  However, when I saw that the BK was rolling out a competitor, I knew that I had to revisit this time and make sure that they hadn't come up with a better sandwich to rule all (as a King rightfully should).  To my surprise, I was not the only one who felt that this was an essential experience to be had.  Thankfully, I work with a cool bunch of folks who embraced my initiative to taste the two sandwiches side by side... and so this epic afternoon was underway.  Myself and 9 of my coworkers decided to get together and commit to a comprehensive analysis geared toward discovering who the true champion of the "special sandwich" is in the fast food world.  Lunch on the afternoon of December 13th consisted of:

10 eaters

20 sandwiches (10 Macs, and 10 Kings)

Enthusiasm

Conversation

Analysis

Judgment

It was glorious.  While I will be fair in sharing the overall results, I will only speak about experience for myself and how it cut me to my core.  I went into this thinking that it would be a clear and decisive choice once the first bite was taken of each sandwich.  For those who don't know me, I'm not wishy washy on food.  I like everything, yes, but for their unique qualities and deliverables.  If someone says, "This is the best pulled pork ever" and it's not (either because I've had better, or just have a blind confidence that there's better out there) I'll say so.  Little did I know that this decision would be much more difficult than I expected because proper judgment came down to the absolute smallest details.

  We measured the overall weight of both (factoring in the box for the Mac, of course)

Finally, we took a good hard look and drank in the splendor. (as you can see... this is a "post bite" pic)

As it turned out, the vote was pretty close.  All of the eaters that participated were Mac loyalists and virgins to the King (not the BK, but the Big King).  :-)  6 of ten eaters chose the Big Mac, including myself.  Those that defected to the King did so for the primary reason that the burger itself tasted better, the bread was a better consistency, and the overall ingredients tasted more natural... like a "real burger".
As for myself, I stuck with the Mac for one reason.  Loyalty.  Sure, BK tastes like a burger.  After all, that's what you get with the "flame-broiled" goodness that comes from the King.  The bread was actually a turn off for me because, believe it or not, with the more high quality burger the bread brought an additional density that was unappealing.  It was heavier, and burdensome.  The Mac melts in your mouth like a warm, moist, flavorful blanket.  I felt like a baby getting bottle-fed with special sauce, and processed meat.  Similarly, there were eaters who commented that the higher quality onions on the BK had a similar affect.  A specific difference between all BK vs McD burgers is that McD chops the onions, and BK serves whole slices.  To some, this was the difference between a pleasurable eating experience, and a lunchtime failure.

What it came down to was the plain truth that I don't eat McDonald's every day, but when I do... and I'm having a "Mac Attack"... would the Big King serve as a reasonable substitute? The answer is, no.  If BK had made an effort to distinguish themselves with a different sauce, assembly, or some type of individuality that could tempt me from the Mac, then the story may have turned out differently.  However, if I'm craving a Mac, then a Mac is what I'm gonna get.  In the end, they were TOO similar, and I stuck with the guys who have been entertaining me with this magic trick since 1967. It was a close race, but the King ended up being deemed the "ugly friend" of the Big Mac.  Sure, if the Mac isn't available, the King will serve as a reasonable substitute, but if the Mac gives you a friendly wink, and a head nod, you'll go home with HER every time.

Lays Chose a Winner, but was it the correct one??

Lay's Sriracha, Chicken and Waffles, and Cheesey Garlic Bread Chips

Here's the Fat skinny on the Lay's release - *disclaimer: These results, while corroborated by others, are the expressed opinion of Fat Mike and ONLY Fat Mike, and are not to be disseminated without written or verbal authorization from "The Fat"*

Sriracha - Delicious. A good kick of spice, and a hint of smokiness that definitely set them apart from traditional "spicy" potato chips. Lay's provide the perfect vessel for this unique flavor. Especially, for those of us who enjoy a good, spicy snack that's outside the traditional jalapeno. However, I found the smokiness to be a tiny bit overbearing once you start really digging into the bag. As you may know, it is rare for The Fat to not have to restrain from taking down a bag of chips in a single sitting. The sriracha, while delicious, doesn't really command that addictive tendency to move through the bag at lightning speed. Don't get me wrong... it's possible, but it was obvious that the srirachaflavor wasn't the best choice if the INTENT was to consume the bag in it's entirety.

Chicken and Waffles - This was an impressive and interesting experience. I was very excited to see how Lay's was going to be able to put these flavors into a chip, and they did not disappoint. If you've ever had the pleasure of taking down a "Honey BBQ" flavored potato chip (from any distributor), you may already be aware of how delicate the balance is when creating a "sweet" potato chip. What makes this flavor distinct and unique is that you immediately notice the scent of maple syrup as you draw the chip toward your palette. This immediately provides a twinge of fear in the back of the mind because you can't help but feel like you're jumping into an overwhelmingly sweet, and possibly unpleasant experience. However, the moment you bite into the chip, the sweetness "pump fake" vanishes and you get a nice, cooked, "batter-like" flavor that truly resembles a waffle and/or fried chicken. It's really incredible. If there is ever a curiosity about the science of building a flavor profile for a potato chip, this could be chosen as a shining example. Hats off to the brilliant minds that decided to take on this seemingly daunting task. However, the unique aspect of this chip also contributes to it's shortcoming. Similarly to the sriracha, the Chicken and Waffle flavor doesn't compel the eater to continue on uncontrollably. It's a GREAT snack chip, and there were some eaters who participated in the tasting that would argue my assessment, but considering the third and final entry (to be discussed below) I think that the evaluation holds weight.

Cheesy Garlic Bread - Of the 3 flavors introduced this year, this was the $1m contest winner, and for good reason. This embodies the bold, new flavor the company was looking for, and has a balanced flavor profile that keeps your hand reaching into the bag until all it comes out with is dust. The moment the chip enters your mouth, there is no question about the marriage of cheese and garlic. Just opening the bag sends an aroma that makes you want to stick your face in like a horse eating oats before a race. I will say, that this flavor requires a level of commitment from the eater to make the CONSCIOUS choice to smell like cheese and garlic if they are not able to remedy the outcome with either gum, wet naps (for the finger dust), or a rigorous brushing of the teeth. Rest assured, it is worth it. There is no question that this winner embodies everything that Lay's was looking for when the contest was initially introduced, and I am confident that they made a strong, and correct choice.

I hope this encourages you to bite the bullet and decide for yourself. Personally, I might go back to the grocery store to buy all 3, dump them all in a large punch bowl, and have a "roulette" of sorts to see how they all go together in one large forum. But, that's just me. Enjoy.

Prepare yourself, World.

I suppose it had to happen sometime.  After years of turmoil trying to deal with my obsession with snack food (please note: I never call it "junk food", and furthermore I detest that moniker), and my desire to examine the wealth of delicious, inventive snacks that are on the market, a dear friend encouraged me to start this blog.  Welcome, to Faturated Sats.

My name is Fat Mike.  That's not my birth name of course, but a nickname that I like to think I've come by honestly.  I'm an average joe who loves to eat... stuff.  I'm no Adam Richman (of Man vs Food fame, and if you're reading this Adam... I think you're the man).  I don't claim to have the most enormous appetite, or the ability to eat ghost chili peppers.  I just have an appreciation for the rich market of food that exists in the world.  Mind you, if you saw me on the street you may not understand or appreciate the nickname, but I stand behind it proudly.  Sure, I'm guilty of exercising, caring about my appearance, and my health, but I'll never submit to forcing myself to ignore the abundance of deliciousness that surrounds us.  Like most people, I've had my battles with food.  My body weight fluctuates like the tides.  The catch is, that I don't battle food.  I embrace it, I indulge in it, and I manage it.  Get it?  Capitalism is the same with food as it is with anything else.  Someone wants to build the better seasoned CHIP? I'll try it.  Someone wants to bring back the Twinkie? I'll celebrate it by buying a box and scarfing them down while visions of my childhood dance through my head, and the creamy, sugar filled goodness runs down my gullet.  It is our duty to know what is out there, and to take the time to evaluate the market in order to determine who is worthy to exist.  That is what Faturated Sats is all about.  I completely agree that the level of obesity in the US is unacceptable.  I don't condone grabbing piles, and piles of food to gorge on a regular basis.  (despite what you might see/hear about on occasion during this blog).  What I think is ABSOLUTELY necessary, however, is to take an interest in the inventiveness, creativity, science, and achievement that moves through the world of snack food without us even knowing it.  It is my intention to constantly explore that arena and share my opinions, and those of others so that you can decide to share in the glory of snack food, and feel confident that your choices and sacrifices are worth it.  That's how I roll.

Some people say they are emotional eaters?  I ask, what other kind is there?  Eating good food, or bad, is an emotional experience.  It should be as exhilarating as the adrenalin rush you get jumping out of a plane, or drag racing cars.  It should be as puzzling as people who get their kicks by obsessively cleaning their house, or dressing up their pets.  Food should be as soothing and comforting as a hug, or a beanbag chair in college.

As the classic song states: Amazing cakes, how sweet the pounds.  That fed a wretch like me.  I once was large, but now I'm stout.  But damn, I love to eat.  

If you're willing to join me, I'll do my absolute best to share with you a thorough examination of chips, cookies, crackers, fast food, popcorn, fruit snacks, and almost anything that strikes the fancy of The Fat (that's me) at any given time in order to make you a savvy and educated consumer.  Besides, all my friends get tired of hearing me rant about this stuff.  Aside from the fact, that (if you're like me) you'll want to make the MOST out of your snacking to ensure that it's worthwhile.  If anyone reading this is thinking to themselves, "Yeah, well, you're probably twenty-something, and you don't know how hard it is to diet, exercise, and count calories", you'll be happy to know that I'm almost 36, I have a wife and a 1yr old son, I don't pay for a gym membership, I exercise AT BEST 5 days a week (with my own resources) and I spend EVERY MINUTE of exercise that I do thinking about Buffalo Wings, pizza, chips, beer, and basically ANYTHING that I plan on eating that day, week, or weekend, or month.  To be honest, sometimes I'm just prepping for some massive binge I'm going to make to Taco Bell that's 4 days away.  I guess what I'm trying to say is that this is an outlet for me, but I want it to be a resource for others.  Let's be honest, we all love food.  Perhaps we can't all go out and eat whatever we want, but I want to try it all, and if I'm gonna be that guy I might as well be able to share any insights, opinions, revelations, and shortcomings that I come across.

Let's do this.

Lay's Sriracha, Chicken and Waffles, and Cheesey Garlic Bread Chips

Here's the Fat skinny on the Lay's release - *disclaimer: These results, while corroborated by others, are the expressed opinion of Fat Mike and ONLY Fat Mike, and are not to be disseminated without written or verbal authorization from "The Fat"*

Sriracha - Delicious. A good kick of spice, and a hint of smokiness that definitely set them apart from traditional "spicy" potato chips. Lay's provide the perfect vessel for this unique flavor. Especially, for those of us who enjoy a good, spicy snack that's outside the traditional jalapeno. However, I found the smokiness to be a tiny bit overbearing once you start really digging into the bag. As you may know, it is rare for The Fat to not have to restrain from taking down a bag of chips in a single sitting. The sriracha, while delicious, doesn't really command that addictive tendency to move through the bag at lightning speed. Don't get me wrong... it's possible, but it was obvious that the srirachaflavor wasn't the best choice if the INTENT was to consume the bag in it's entirety.

Chicken and Waffles - This was an impressive and interesting experience. I was very excited to see how Lay's was going to be able to put these flavors into a chip, and they did not disappoint. If you've ever had the pleasure of taking down a "Honey BBQ" flavored potato chip (from any distributor), you may already be aware of how delicate the balance is when creating a "sweet" potato chip. What makes this flavor distinct and unique is that you immediately notice the scent of maple syrup as you draw the chip toward your palette. This immediately provides a twinge of fear in the back of the mind because you can't help but feel like you're jumping into an overwhelmingly sweet, and possibly unpleasant experience. However, the moment you bite into the chip, the sweetness "pump fake" vanishes and you get a nice, cooked, "batter-like" flavor that truly resembles a waffle and/or fried chicken. It's really incredible. If there is ever a curiosity about the science of building a flavor profile for a potato chip, this could be chosen as a shining example. Hats off to the brilliant minds that decided to take on this seemingly daunting task. However, the unique aspect of this chip also contributes to it's shortcoming. Similarly to the sriracha, the Chicken and Waffle flavor doesn't compel the eater to continue on uncontrollably. It's a GREAT snack chip, and there were some eaters who participated in the tasting that would argue my assessment, but considering the third and final entry (to be discussed below) I think that the evaluation holds weight.

Cheesy Garlic Bread - Of the 3 flavors introduced this year, this was the $1m contest winner, and for good reason. This embodies the bold, new flavor the company was looking for, and has a balanced flavor profile that keeps your hand reaching into the bag until all it comes out with is dust. The moment the chip enters your mouth, there is no question about the marriage of cheese and garlic. Just opening the bag sends an aroma that makes you want to stick your face in like a horse eating oats before a race. I will say, that this flavor requires a level of commitment from the eater to make the CONSCIOUS choice to smell like cheese and garlic if they are not able to remedy the outcome with either gum, wet naps (for the finger dust), or a rigorous brushing of the teeth. Rest assured, it is worth it. There is no question that this winner embodies everything that Lay's was looking for when the contest was initially introduced, and I am confident that they made a strong, and correct choice.

I hope this encourages you to bite the bullet and decide for yourself. Personally, I might go back to the grocery store to buy all 3, dump them all in a large punch bowl, and have a "roulette" of sorts to see how they all go together in one large forum. But, that's just me. Enjoy.

Welcome to Faturated Sats

Welcome to Faturated Sats, where we review the very best of the fat of the land of the free and the home of the brave.